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Friday, November 23, 2001
      ( 4:32 PM ) Jackie  

Popular movie sucks life out of visiting lesbian


Early this morning, the empty body of an elderly lesbian was found in the balcony of the Union Square United Artists theatre in New York City. Theatre 4 was otherwise deserted at 2am when Joe Reprilol entered to clean the theater. He found the body two hours later. The delay, he told our reporter, was due to the quantity of popcorn and soda spills at the days’ shows. The movie, popular with children, had created record-breaking sales of food items.

The lifeless body was first thought to be a deflated balloon escaped from yesterday’s Thanksgiving parade. Nevertheless, Joe called the police who subsequently called the Medical Examiner. The Medical Examiner pronounced the woman renewable and had her body sent to St. Vincent’s Hospital. “Lesbians are tough,” he said. “We are hopeful that she can be revived.”

A ticket found in the woman’s pocket indicated that she had attended the 3:20 pm showing of Harry Potter. Learning this, the ME revised his estimate of the woman’s chances saying, “We can no longer express hope for this poor woman; however, we do not feel that she is a totally lost cause. Lesbians are tough.”

The hospital was unwilling to provide any further information about her chances. The head nurse, herself an elderly lesbian, did say, strictly ‘off the record’, that medical personnel had confirmed that the life had been sucked out of the woman by the airless, deadly movie Harry Potter. “Had there been any redeeming value at all to this move,” she said, “we feel we could have revived her. Under the circumstances, however, we can only pray.”

“God bless America,” the heterosexual white male doctor added. “Pass it on.”

Two young gay men found wandering deliriously in the nearby area were identified as possibly the woman’s companions at the movie. They also had ticket stubs indicating attendance at the 3:20 showing. They were, however, incoherent, and unable to confirm this or to identify the woman. When asked whether they had attended the showing of Harry Potter, they ran screaming down the street.

“This is only the first of many terrorist attacks by the movie industry,” said the head of Mental Health services at the LGBT center in Brooklyn. “We can only hope that we have seen the worst. God only knows how many more life-sucking incidents we will see as a result of this movie alone.”

Elderly people and others who had opportunities to view actually good films are more susceptible to this type of attack. It is widely believed that the gay and lesbian community is especially susceptible due to their movie viewing habits. It is hoped, however, that they may have developed some immunities through repeated viewings of Judy Garland movies.

“God Bless America,” said the head of the GMHC. “Pass it on.”


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